The Monster Was Hungry, but So Was I
Addiction had an appetite, and I learned that appetite well. When it wanted something, it did not care what time it was, what I had promised, who I loved, or what had already been lost. It wanted to eat. In the jungle, that hunger could become the most important fact in the room. Everything else […]
Why I Finally Dropped the Rope
I spent a large part of my life fighting. Sometimes the fight was obvious. Sometimes it took place where nobody could see it, between one thought and another, one version of me and another, one desire pulling against the next. I did not call all of that duality at the time. I just knew I […]
I Knew How to Take. I Had to Learn How to Give.
There was a time when I could receive almost anything and still not know how to receive it. Money, help, a ride, a place to stay, somebody’s patience, somebody’s trust, another chance. I could take all of it and still be empty because I had already decided what everything was for. If it could get […]
When Faith Stopped Feeling Like Fear
I grew up around faith before I knew what I believed. Church gave me language early. God. Sin. Salvation. Heaven. Hell. Obedience. Judgment. Scripture. I knew how those words were supposed to sound in a room full of believers. I knew when people lifted their hands. I knew when to clap. I knew what good […]
The Little Boy I Left Waiting for Me
There are parts of childhood that do not stay politely in childhood. They travel. They find places to hide in adult decisions, in relationships, in anger, in fear, in the way we react when somebody leaves, and in the things we reach for when we do not know how to comfort ourselves. I did not […]
I Called It Failure Until I Looked Back
For a long time, I had a habit of looking at my life like somebody checking a scoreboard. Who was ahead? Who had made it? Who had the career, the money, the applause, the proof? Then I would look at myself and start counting what had gone wrong. Sports was one of the first places […]
The Story in Your Head Can Become a Cell
A prison does not always need steel bars. Sometimes it only needs a story repeated long enough that you stop checking whether it is true. I know something about physical and mental bondage, but one of the strongest cages I lived in was built from the things I kept telling myself about myself. I am […]
After the Cage Opens, Who Walks Out?
For years I thought freedom meant getting away from crack. That makes sense when crack is taking up most of the room. When one thing is destroying your life, removing that thing looks like the finish line. But what happens when the door finally opens? Who walks out? That question became more important to me […]